Boris Bordonaro deposited the 1 cup measure of bullets into his homemade blender. His blender was really a work of art, powered by a V8 diesel engine, the rotary blades could turn even the toughest of flesh into a pulp. Boris, however, wasn't trying to pulpify flesh. He was just having his daily breakfast, liquified bullets. (Yes you read that right. Unless you read something other than what I wrote, in that case, you read it wrong.) Boris wasn't particularly loquacious. He was a man of action, not vocabulary. When Boris's breakfast reached equilibrium, he dumped it into a crystal cocktail glass and headed to his work-out room. He headed over to the Thigh Master and started...mastering his thighs. Between leg compressions Boris would sip his breakfast. Boris Bordonaro had a lot in common with blender, his muscles seemed to chiseled out of the finest marble, he was powerful and tough, and he could turn even the toughest of flesh into a pulp. (With his bare hands I might add.) You see, Boris is no ordinary man. He is in fact, the number one contract killer in the world. Now you might wonder why a man would ever want to murder contracts, I'll tell you this: I don't know. But that's not really the interesting thing about Mr. Bordonaro, decimating legal documents is only his career, killing people is his hobby. (That was the interesting part.) Boris thought about his plans for the day. His percolating brainwork went something like this: Gotta bunch of contracts at work...Gunna rip em' to shreds. Yeah...rip em'. Then I'll smash em' with a meat tenderizer. Then I'll get my battle ax and pulverize a whole cabinet of contracts...That's good. Gotta kill the man at the phone booth today...he always takes a really long time...gotta kill that guy. Yeah...I'll rip him to shreds...like a contract.
I told you he wasn't much for conversation, I'm sure you can see why. Boris headed out to work and he killed those contracts. The scene was brutal and borderline offensive, when he'd finished up Boris Bordonaro trekked to the red phone booth on the corner by his penthouse and waited. He hadn't exactly formulated a plan, but he didn't really need to. Instincts would guide him in this kill. Where is he? Where is the dirty rotten scoundrel? I gotta get this...wait...what's that smell? Oh...yum...Boris had noticed a construction zone and was distracted for a moment. When he turned back to look at the phone booth it was empty. This was odd. The man was pretty regular in his daily usage of the phone. Boris pulled open the door on the booth and went in. He'd never actually been in one of these things before. He decided to finish out his wait in there. Unbeknownst to Mr. Bordonaro, Steven Halling, the man he was out to kill, was home sick. Steven had a horrid cold and decided to stay home and watch the Discovery channel on his faded blue sofa. As Boris sat in waiting for a man who wouldn't show, people started to gather. You generally didn't see a man like Boris in a little red phone booth. But that's not why they were gathering, a krispy kreme truck had tipped over in the road and people were scrambling to get free doughnuts. After 6 consecutive hours of waiting, Boris drew the conclusion that the man probably wasn't going to show, so he decided that he'd kill some people stealing doughnuts instead. (They were being really noisy and he had a headache.) Boris stood and pulled on the handle of the door. It wouldn't budge. Boris yanked harder. Still nothing. Boris rocked his body back and forth against the walls of the phone booth, hoping to tip it over and gain freedom, but he only succeeded in making himself look like an escaped mental hospital patient. Boris was stuck. He was stuck bad. When the realization of this sunk into Mr. Bordonaro's skull, he sunk to his knees and began to weep violently. At this, people with doughnuts and camera cellphones gathered around the booth. It wasn't often when you saw a man like Boris in a phone booth, but even more rare was seeing a man like Boris sob. These people knew a you tube hit when they saw one. They smiled as their phones captured this media gold. What a great day, first free doughnuts, now this. Life doesn't get much better than that folks.
