Hillarious story written by an anonomous girl in my class

Boris Bordonaro deposited the 1 cup measure of bullets into his homemade blender. His blender was really a work of art, powered by a V8 diesel engine, the rotary blades could turn even the toughest of flesh into a pulp. Boris, however, wasn't trying to pulpify flesh. He was just having his daily breakfast, liquified bullets. (Yes you read that right. Unless you read something other than what I wrote, in that case, you read it wrong.) Boris wasn't particularly loquacious. He was a man of action, not vocabulary. When Boris's breakfast reached equilibrium, he dumped it into a crystal cocktail glass and headed to his work-out room. He headed over to the Thigh Master and started...mastering his thighs. Between leg compressions Boris would sip his breakfast. Boris Bordonaro had a lot in common with blender, his muscles seemed to chiseled out of the finest marble, he was powerful and tough, and he could turn even the toughest of flesh into a pulp. (With his bare hands I might add.) You see, Boris is no ordinary man. He is in fact, the number one contract killer in the world. Now you might wonder why a man would ever want to murder contracts, I'll tell you this: I don't know. But that's not really the interesting thing about Mr. Bordonaro, decimating legal documents is only his career, killing people is his hobby. (That was the interesting part.) Boris thought about his plans for the day. His percolating brainwork went something like this: Gotta bunch of contracts at work...Gunna rip em' to shreds. Yeah...rip em'. Then I'll smash em' with a meat tenderizer. Then I'll get my battle ax and pulverize a whole cabinet of contracts...That's good. Gotta kill the man at the phone booth today...he always takes a really long time...gotta kill that guy. Yeah...I'll rip him to shreds...like a contract. 

I told you he wasn't much for conversation, I'm sure you can see why. Boris headed out to work and he killed those contracts. The scene was brutal and borderline offensive, when he'd finished up Boris Bordonaro trekked to the red phone booth on the corner by his penthouse and waited. He hadn't exactly formulated a plan, but he didn't really need to. Instincts would guide him in this kill. Where is he? Where is the dirty rotten scoundrel? I gotta get this...wait...what's that smell? Oh...yum...Boris had noticed a construction zone and was distracted for a moment. When he turned back to look at the phone booth it was empty. This was odd. The man was pretty regular in his daily usage of the phone. Boris pulled open the door on the booth and went in. He'd never actually been in one of these things before. He decided to finish out his wait in there. Unbeknownst to Mr. Bordonaro, Steven Halling, the man he was out to kill, was home sick. Steven had a horrid cold and decided to stay home and watch the Discovery channel on his faded blue sofa. As Boris sat in waiting for a man who wouldn't show, people started to gather. You generally didn't see a man like Boris in a little red phone booth. But that's not why they were gathering, a krispy kreme truck had tipped over in the road and people were scrambling to get free doughnuts. After 6 consecutive hours of waiting, Boris drew the conclusion that the man probably wasn't going to show, so he decided that he'd kill some people stealing doughnuts instead. (They were being really noisy and he had a headache.) Boris stood and pulled on the handle of the door. It wouldn't budge. Boris yanked harder. Still nothing. Boris rocked his body back and forth against the walls of the phone booth, hoping to tip it over and gain freedom, but he only succeeded in making himself look like an escaped mental hospital patient. Boris was stuck. He was stuck bad. When the realization of this sunk into Mr. Bordonaro's skull, he sunk to his knees and began to weep violently. At this, people with doughnuts and camera cellphones gathered around the booth. It wasn't often when you saw a man like Boris in a phone booth, but even more rare was seeing a man like Boris sob. These people knew a you tube hit when they saw one. They smiled as their phones captured this media gold. What a great day, first free doughnuts, now this. Life doesn't get much better than that folks.

Mansion Garden (around Jane Austin times)

       I filled my lugs with the gorgeous smelling air as I lay down on the grass. I still couldn’t believe this was all mine. The flowers, the trees, the waterfall… I loved this garden and everything about it. There was something about this garden that made it different; almost mysterious or enchanting.

When I’d first come to live with my Aunt and Uncle, they could hardly keep me away from the garden. Everything about it fascinated me. I swear, some times I could hear more then just wind rustling the leaves; and when I’d watch the waterfall, it would shimmer in ways that I would have thought impossible. I had asked the servants about it a couple of times, but they would just look at me as if I wasn’t all there. I learned to keep quiet about it, and my reputation was restored quickly. But even though I didn’t think it out loud, I still saw strange things and was constantly trying to figure it out.

This morning I had received spectacular news. After staying with them for four years, my relatives told me they had officially decided I was to be in charge of the garden this spring. I was ecstatic. Being in charge of the garden meant I got choose where everything was going to be planted, how it was going to look this summer, I could even add in a sitting area or a swing to my favorite spots if I wanted too.

I had already written my mother. I knew she would be excited. My grandmother owned a floral shop and both of us were very into to hobbies like that. Being in charge of the planning would give me tremendous amounts of practice and Mother would probably even give my tips in her letters.

Undoubtedly, this was going to be a very good year.

I looked up at the sky as other thoughts came into my head. Planning the garden wasn’t the only thing my aunt and uncle wanted me to do. They had never said it or even hinted at it, but I knew my aunt and uncle well enough to know they wanted me to marry soon. It wasn’t at all unreasonable since I was, after all, the appropriate age. It was just that my Aunt was a natural matchmaker and I was worried they might end up having more say in my husband then me.

My thoughts were cut off when I heard some one yelling. I sat up trying to find the cause. Sam was coming towards me on his horse, galloping much faster then usual

“My Lady,” he was panting as if he’d been the one running, “you are needed at the mansion at once.”

My heart sped up along with my feet. Was some one hurt? Was there danger? “What is it?”

“Sir Edward,” he had his horse trot towards me, “his carriage has arrived. He is a day early and your aunt and uncle are still gone and there is no one to greet him but servants.”

       My heart calmed down a bit, but I still ran. Social greetings were very important in this country, especially if the people were as high up as my aunt and uncle.

       Sam extended his hand and I jumped onto the horse behind him. He kicked hard and we galloped faster then I was used to. Arms tightened on Sam’s waist, I tried not to fall off as he jumped a fence. I also couldn’t help but think what my aunt would say if she saw me hugging a servant like that; especially one as close to my age as Sam.

      The horse stopped and Sam jumped off. He helped me down and I ran into the house. I ran past Mary towards my room.

      “Where are you going?” she yelled after me.

      “To change,” riding clothes were not considered suitable for greetings.

      “There’s no time,” she grabbed my hand pulling me back towards the foyer. Another servant ran up with a brush and began to fix my wind blown hair as we walked.

      “Who am I greeting again?” I was becoming flustered around all these panicked servants.

      “His name is Sir Edward,” Mary filled me in, “he’s staying here while he go’s to law school. Just greet him like you would any other stranger, but be formal; he is very high class. Just explain where your aunt and uncle are, but pretend you knew he was coming,” We reached the end of the hallway and the other servant finished my hair, “Good luck,” they fled leaving me to greet the stranger on my own.

      I ran to the center of the foyer just in time to be perfectly posed as he walked through the door.

      My eyes widened a little. When Mary said he was going to school I expected him to be young, but not as young as me. I didn’t expect him to be as handsome as he was either. His blond hair and blue eyes went   perfectly with his tall stature and pure white smile.

      He took off his tall hat and I curtsied, “Sir Edward, it is a pleasure to have you staying here.”

      He walked over and politely kissed my hand, “I am honored to be here.”

     “I’m sorry my Aunt and Uncle are not here, but they are still handling some business else where.” I almost apologized for my poor attire but decided not to say anything since that would probably give away the fact I didn’t know he was coming. He was a boy, maybe he wouldn’t notice.

      “I am sorry I missed them,” He smiled, “although I am glad to say, I am not at all disappointed with my greeting.”

      I wasn’t sure what to say to that, “I’m glad you are pleased,” what now? “Mary!” she was undoubtedly somewhere close eavesdropping.

     She waited a couple seconds then came out of the hall way as if she had just coincidentally been near by,   “Yes, my Lady?”

      “Mary this is Sir Edward,” she gave a small curtsy, “would you please show him which room he will be staying in?”

     “Of course,” she headed towards the stairs.

     I started to follow and Sir Edward politely took my arm, “If you don’t mind my asking, what exact business is it that your aunt and uncle are taking care of?”

     Actually, I did mind, since I didn’t know, “I believe they are having a social visit with some friends,” oops, that might offend him, “not that they wouldn’t rather be here with you, they just…”

    He laughed at my blush, “It’s alright. I am a day early after all.”

    “Here we are,” Mary opened a pair of double doors to one of our nicest guest rooms.

Christmas Story

Okay, I know this one, when you read it, sounds a little odd, but I think if you did it right it could be really cool. It kinds of goes off the 'Nightmare Before Christmas' concept of having different realms/places that are the different Holidays. Sam and Mary are both elves and Ramen is a citizen of Pandemonium (Halloween). This one is a scene from plot #7.Sam and Mary are just kind of chillin' and talking while feeding the reindeer in the stable.

      “Oh, by the way,” Mary fed Donner a piece of carrot, “Ramen is coming to visit tomorrow.”

       Sam suddenly looked up from his papers, “Ramen? Why's he coming here?”

       She tried to think up an excuse, “He wants to see the reindeer.”

      “Really?” he didn't seem to believe her.

      “Yes. They don't have reindeer in Pandemonium, so he wanted to come see what they look like.” pretty good for on the spot.

       “And the reindeer are the only thing he's coming to see,” he raised an eyebrow.

       “Maybe he was planning on seeing the candy shops too.”

       Sam just rolled his eyes at that one.

      “You don't think he'd want to see them?”

      “No offense Mary, but Ramen is more the type to burn down a candy store then shop in one.”

       Mary hatted when Sam stereotyped like that. She turned her back to him, feeding Donner another carrot, “Just because he's live in a Halloween Town, doesn't mean he's pron to maliciously evil acts.”

       “You sure about that?”

       She glanced back just long enough to glare at him, “'no offense', but you're not exactly an expert on Pandemonians Sam. I don't recall you even bothering to get know any.”

       “Not true, I have met three. Zoe, Carlos and Marvin, when they all came for the Grand Holiday's Meeting.”

       “I don't think having a three word conversation with someone counts as getting to know them.”

       “And randomly falling for a good looking one does?”

       She whipped around, her eyes wide, “You think you know so much Sam.”

       “So I'm assuming that means you haven't started falling, but rather you have already fallen?” his tone was starting to sound a little bitter.

       Mary realized he wasn't racist, but rather jealous. Which meant that it was now confirmed that he liked her. This could have been a very romantic moment if they weren't in the middle of an argument. And if all of what Sam had just said wasn't true.

       He sighed, drumming his fingers on his folder, “I know you mean well Mary, but trying to get Ramen to act like a good willed person...even if it did work it would be rather pointless. It's like teaching Donner how to swim. That's not what he's meant to do, and there is no way that Ramen could survive in his environment without the personality he currently has,” he took a carrot from the bin and fed it to Cupid, “Ramen was born to add to the Halloween spirit, and unfortunately that can't be done by singing songs and giving to little children,” his voice dropped a fragment as he spoke the last part, “ I also don't see how light and dark can possibly reside together without having problems.”

       Mary wondered if he was really trying to protect her, or if this was his way of lashing out, “Sam , I know you mean well, but I'm not going to stop being friends with Ramen just because we are, technically, supposed to clash.”

"Corn Maze" Opening

         This is a chapter from plot #5

            “I think I’m going to call it a night,” I took off my 'Employee' pin and tossed it into the bin under the counter.

           “Already?” Abby raised one of her sparkly eyebrows at me, “It's only ten o-clock.”

           “I know, but I'm tired. Plus, my little brother is having his Halloween party tomorrow and I want to save my hours so I can be here till long after it's over.”

           “But, you can't leave early tonight,” somehow I couldn't take her seriously with the bright green eye shadow and fake eye lashes.

           Abby and I both worked at the town's corn maze. We'd been working since late September, but with Halloween this week, we were required to start wearing costumes. Which was fine with us, since we loved dressing up. In fact we'd kind of gone all out.

           Abby was a bright green fairy, somewhat resembling Tinkerbell. She had glitter on about every inch of her body and a poofy skirt twice as big as her.

           I had decided to go with something completely opposite of my personality; heavy metal rock star. My hair had that crimped wind-blown look and looked much more edgy then was normal for me. My make-up consisted of neon eyeshadow, too much eyeliner and lashes almost as big as Abby's.

           “But you gave me a ride here,” Abby persisted, “How am I supposed to get home?”

           “You could leave with me right now.”

           “I can't . Our boss said I had to stay till closing today.”

           Made sense. Abby was pro at getting out of work and our boss hated her for it. I was the opposite where I stunk at making excuses and usually ended up working my tail end off. So, of course, the girl in charge loved me.

           “Well,” I shrugged, “you'll have to find a ride home from one of the haunters,” it sounded like I was abandoning her, but we'd both done it multiple times before, so I knew it wouldn't scar her for life.

           “Maggie please,” she grabbed my arm as if her life were on the line, “you have to stay.”

           What was wrong with this picture? “Abby, chill, there's only two more hours till closing. You'll be fine.”

           “What's the drama?”

           We both turned to see a hideous clown take off his head to reveal Kyle Morgan, but we both already knew it was him.

           “Abby is freaking out because I'm leaving and now she doesn't have a ride home,” I explained.

           She looked at me like some dummy who had just spilled the beans.

           “I can give you a ride home,” Kyle automatically volunteered.

           Now she looked panicked and I suddenly caught on to why she was so persistent on me staying.

           “If that's all right with you,” he quickly added.

           “I...uh...” I think this was the first time I had ever seen Abby without and excuse, “sure.”

           “Great,” Kyle smiled at both of us and then put his head back on, “I'll come get you at closing. See ya, Maggie.”

           She waited till he was gone before she blew up, “Now look what you've done!” she said it as if I had just ruined her life.

           I rolled my eyes and grabbed my purse, “See you tomorrow Abby.”

           “If he tries to kiss me, you better hope we aren't working the same booth tomorrow.”

           “I think your being a little mellow dramatic,” I laughed.

           “Goodbye Maggie,” she waved me off like some pesky fly. I just laughed and walked out of the booth.

           I didn't understand why she was so worried. I thought Kyle was kind of cute, but I guess Abby had always been a little awkward around him. Probably because he was friends with her Ex.

           I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Even the cute boys Abby didn't even like were bowing at her feet, whereas I was lucky if I even got one decent boy to consider me as anything more then a friend.

Skater Boys

This story doesn't have a specific plot to go with it, but it is a mini clip from a story about a girl going through high school in search of her confidence.
 

            I glanced over my shoulder at the boys behind me, clutching my books a little tighter. The second I had passed them they'd started whispering. I got one of those feeling where you just know they are talking about you. So, either I was right and I did look like a life size barbie, or Lorie’s make over had actually worked and they thought I was cute.

           I heard a skateboard coming up behind me and knew is was them.

           “Hey Aero,” they were referring to the brand along my sleeve. One of them cut in front of me forcing me to stop, “what's your name?”

           I couldn't decide if his v-neck and Jedi braid made him cool or scary. I didn't bother answering him and just walked around, but then another one cut me off again.

           The second road block had a sort of bird's nest style to his hair and ear buds hanging out of his shirt. All of them did actually, but for some reason his bright green ones got your attention, “Come on, we just want a name.”

           This guy didn't scare me any less, but I talked to him, “Why?”

           The last guy took that as his cue to jump in, “'cause he they think you're hot, duh.”

           Bird's-Nest gave him a could-you-have-said-something-more-stupid-look and Jedi-Braid shoved him off his skateboard. I took that as my cue to leave, but they hurried and blocked my path. Again.

           “Can I go, please?” their scariness was turning into annoyance.

            Bird's-Nest kicked up his skateboard, blocking my path even more, “Not till you give us a name.”

            Fine, “Gabby.”

           “Gabby...?”

           “You said a name, not two.”

           “First and last counts as one.”

            I rolled my eyes, “Smith.”

           “Liar.”

           Seriously? “How do you know?”

          “Because only boring girls are named Smith, and I'm already thoroughly entertained.”

           Was that an attempt at being romantic? “You're going to make me late.”

            Jedi-Braid smiled, “Your boyfriend can wait.”

            “I don't-” why was I telling him this? “look, if I tell you my name do you promise to let me leave?”

            “Absolutely.”

            I adjusted the books in my arm, “Gabriela Newman. My friends call my Gabby.”

            The name caused a reaction in their faces and they both looked at each other as if they had solved some clever puzzle.

            Bird's-Nest smiled, “Cute name,” then they all jumped on their board and rode off as fast as they had come.

            I looked back to watch them leave and Jedi-Braid waved, “See you at Lorie’s party.”

            Okay, now I was freaked out.

* * *

            Lorie was famous for the parties she gave. Well actually it was Lorie's sister, Jessica, who was famous for her parties. But Jessica had graduated last year and now people were happily putting her sophomore sister in to fill her spot. So now it was the famous Lorie parties. There was no way you were going to even be considered as a person worth paying attention too until you had been to at least one of her parties. And there was no way you were going to make it up the social ladder unless you had fully participated in one.

            The reason Lorie's parties were famous wasn't because they were extra naughty, there weren't couples in the closet, there weren't bottle of beer everywhere; Lorie’s parents would never have condoned that. The reason Lorie's parties were famous is because they were daring. Truth or Dare was the top game of these events and they played rather elaborate versions too. Probably more then half the school had gotten their first kiss at a Lorie party and apparently you could go home and actually tell your parents all that went on. I was curious to see how true the accounts were. Maybe her parties were really famous because she had managed to keep them so secret from adults.

            Lorie had dressed me up again for the party. I was wearing white stitched skinny jeans with so many rhinestones on the back pockets, I was wondering if they would be uncomfortable to sit in. My tank top had a shrug over it and my hair was in loose, long ringlets. The blue color of my top looked gorgeous on me and the excessive amounts of bracelets I was wearing actually added to the look. According to my sister, I looked way to hot for a 9th grader and I agreed with her, only I thought of it as a good thing.

            From the stories I had heard, I expected there to be at least a hundred people at this party. Lorie's house was huge and I was counting on being able to get my few 'participating' kisses with a too-busy-to-be-interested audience or without one at all.

            I was wrong.

            Too my shock and dismay, when I walked through the door to the ultra big, ultra cool, party room, there were probably only a dozen people there. If that.

            Lorie ran up to greet me, instantly gushing at how cute I looked and how she must have a gift for picking out my clothes.

            “Where is everyone? I thought you said your guests were usually in the hundreds?”

She looked confused, “Well, yeah, at my big parties. But my parents only let me have those every three months. This is one of my ultra-exclusive small parties.”

            She said the last part as if it was one of the most fantastic things I could ever experience, “What?!” I was whispering, but my tone was outraged, “Lorie, you said I wouldn't have to worry about people watching!”

            She laughed, “Relax Gabby, you don't. All of these people are super cool. You should be thanking me, if you hit it off at this party, you might never have to come to one of my parties again and still retain your status. Although I know you'll want to come back; few don't.”

            “You know,” I was becoming very bitter at this girl, “you think rather highly of your party throwing abilities, don't you?”

            She laughed, “Yes, but so does everyone else, so don't try to deny it's true.”

            “You could be more humble though.”

            “I know, but what's the fun in that?”

            I had to give her points, since she managed to say this without sounding like a vain jerk. In fact, I was beginning to believe that she actually was kind of humble...in a weird sort of way.

            “Now come on, you're going to love tonight,” she grabbed my hand and led me to join the rest of the group on the couches.

            Pretty much every guy there was insanely cute. I was both worried and relived to see the two skater boys on the couch across from me. Relived, because the fact that they were here meant they weren't the creepers I thought they were. Worried, because they were both giving me this you-look-hot- face.

            I pulled a pillow in front of me, hoping it would act as a sort of shield, whereas Lorie positioned herself in a way that made it look like she was showing off her figure. I was starting to understand why she had a new boy friend every month. I was also further believing that this was going to be an interesting party, since she was currently single.

            We were still waiting for people to show up, so I leaned over to Lorie to find out exactly who these still-staring-skater-boys were.

            “Who are the two boys right across from us? are they brothers?” they looked it.

            Lorie discretely pointed to Jedi-Braid then Bird's-Nest and then looked back at me, “That's Avery and Nolan. They're not brothers, but they might as well be. They are always together and since Avery's dad is a pilot, he sleeps at Nolan’s house almost every other night. Half of his stuff is in Nolan's room. It's almost like joint custody.”

            “What about his mom?”

            “She died when he was five,” she looked down at her nails seeming a little embarrassed, “I dated him once. He's pretty cool.”

            “Why'd you break up with him?”

            She bit her lip looking more embarrassed, “Actually, he broke up with me.”

            That was one I hadn't heard before. Lorie was almost never the dumpie, “Oh, I'm sorry. Was it another girl?”

            She shook her head, “That was the worst part. It wasn't anything, no fight, no drama, he just got bored with me I guess.”

            Bored with Lorie? I would have to look into that later, find out what really happened.

            She shook her head as if to clear the sad thoughts and put on a sincere smile, “Looks like every one is here. Let's start.”

            I made the mistake of looking right at the skater boys as soon as Lorie got up. They both winked at me. Great, now they knew I was talking about them.